beamjockey (beamjockey) wrote,
beamjockey
beamjockey

Side Scrapers! Auto-Stirrer! High Shear Homogeniser! (Guest-Starring Willis & Bonus Usenet Memories)

2008: A Pungent Message

I received a very peculiar e-mail today: an offer to sell a sauce factory. In India. It can also bottle pickles, relishes, and chutneys.

Your opportunity to buy a plant making and bottling sauces, pickles, relishes and chutneys.

Now due to the success of the products a full-scale factory has been set up and is in full operation in India.

You can buy this immaculate equipment, which produces 4000 bottles of 250ml (1000kg) per 8-hour shift.

Everything is here for you to start up. The price is ridiculously low, as the plant must be cleared by the last week in July.

Everything for £65000+VAT


FACTORY CONTENTS

Junheinricht 3 wheeled Counter Balance Forklift and Charger (Fully serviced) * Large Stainless Steel Table with lower Shelf * Shrink Wrapper machine + Spare Large & Small Polythene Rolls * Hillsman Bottle Blower * Sessions of York Automatic Labeller with date, batch code and bar code printer * Spare parts for labelling different sized containers (Fully Serviced) * Zebra Thermal Label Printer for outer case bar codes and Food Service Labels + 9 spare rolls of labels *Mettler Multirange Scales ID1 – weighs upto 150Kg * Small Wheeled Stainless Steel Table with lower shelf * Williams Double Door Refrigerator * Williams Walk in Freezer * Data Logger to monitor freezer temperature with up-to-date reports and software * 250Kg Steam/Oil Jacketed Cooking Vessel with Auto-Stirrer and Side Scrapers, High Shear Homogeniser and Insulated Outer Jacket (Fully Serviced) * Tricool Sheik Oil Generator *Universal Semi Automatic Filler Machine * Ferrous, Non-Ferrous and Stainless Steel Metal Detector * Universal Capper with Changeable Parts for different sized caps

Buckets for Caps * Hydrovane Air Compressor HV02

Desks x 3 * Filing Cabinet *Large Storage Cabinet *Fire Extinguishers x 2 plus health and safety signs *Storage Heaters x 3 *Dolly Trolley x 3 *Heavy Duty Plastic Crates x 50 *Pallet Racking – holds 18 pallets *Pallet Hand Pump truck (1t) *Trolley Stainless Steel Double Knee Operated Hand Wash Sink *Locker x 1 – containing white coats and disposable hats and coats *Mirror *Paper Towel Dispenser *Fan Heaters *Double Tube Insectocuter *Set of Strip curtains for Shutter doors *Stainless Steel Bin *Storage Heater x 2 *Fire Extinguishers x 2 and Health and Safety signs * Stainless Steel Shelf *ADT Alarm – Connected via redcare to local police * Brute Ingredients Buckets x 18 *Tote Wheeled Ingredients Bins x 4 *Large Utility Sink – connected to water heater *Paper Towel Dispenser *Stainless Steel Bin *Separate Mop Water Sink *Insectocutor *Hose for Wash Down *Extractor Fan *Plastic Coated Fluorescent Lighting *Plastic Clean room * Skirting *Large Stainless Steel Table with Draw and lower shelf *Storage Heater *Fire Extinguishers x 2 plus health and safety signs *Various Temperature Sensors *PH Meter *Various Utensils * Large Wheeled Stainless Steel Table with Lower shelf *Large Stainless Steel Table * White Coats x 6 *Box of Disposable Coats * Industrial Sterilising Fluid x 40 ltrs *Industrial Washing-Up Liquid x 10 ltrs

Photographs available Call or Email

Tel: [DELETED] Mob: [DELETED]

Fax: [DELETED]

Email: [DELETED]

I dismissed a brief daydream in which I move to India and become the Maharajah of Chutney.

1952: Willis and the Sauce-Bottles

Reading about this factory put me in mind of an essay penned by the legendary fanwriter Walter A. Willis, of Belfast, in 1952:

We were all the sort of people who read at meals and if there was nothing else to read we would read the lables on the jars and things on the table. We soon found that we all knew off by heart the lable on a sauce known as "H. P." Not only did this lable carry a much greater wordage than any marmalade jar, it was of immensely higher literary standard. For one thing, part of it was in French, which gave it an immense distinction in the eyes of us Francophiles. The lable had three sides. The middle one had a picture of the Houses of Parliament at Westminster, a statement that the sauce was made by Garton and Company, and a description of its constituents-- pure malt vinegar and oriental spices. On the lefthand side was the blurb in French--"Cette Sauce de premier choix...." --which we intoned with the solemnity we gave to Baudelaire and Rimbaud. And on the righthand side was a copy of a certificate by two public analysts that they had " regularly taken samples from stock and found the sauce to be in every way pure and wholesome. --signed A. Bostock Hill and William T. Rigby. " Read More...

(Thanks to Judy Bemis for putting this on-line.)

If only Willis had lived to receive this spam! He might have bought the thing himself. Sixty-five thousand pounds seems cheap, and apparently they throw in a Vat.

Imagine a factory churning out a thousand kilograms of sauce per eight-hour shift, where the copy on all the labels is written by Walt Willis! The mind boggles.

At last Willis, dressed in a white coat, working by the glow of plastic coated fluorescent lighting, could have achieved the perfect fusion of Sauce-Bottle Fandom and Fanzine Publishing. It's the fanzine you can pour on a steak! It would have been great.

1996: On Reading the A1 Label

Back when Willis's article was only a rumor to me, I set down my own thoughts culled from a lifetime of reading sauce-bottles.


From: [OBSOLETE_ADDRESS] (Bill Higgins)
Subject: Sauce-Bottle Questions (was Re: Hugo results)
Date: 1996/09/09
Message-ID: <1996Sep9.184223@fnald.fnal.gov>#1/1
X-Deja-AN: 179552563
references: <50dpau$fkf@agate.berkeley.edu> <snews.960903.102028.chris.2609@keris.demon.co.uk> <50plh5$aic@panix2.panix.com> <snews.960908.203644.chris.3057@keris.demon.co.uk> <anglemark.j-0909961232380001@17.69.157.3> <5111s6$qcn@panix2.panix.com>
organization: Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory
newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.fandom


In article <5111s6$...@panix2.panix.com>, gfar...@panix.com (Gary Farber) writes:
> Johan Anglemark (anglemar...@euro.apple.com) wrote:
> 
> : Can anyone confirm my hunch that people who always read the colophon,
> : copyright page etc, are also the people who always stay in the cinema
> : until all the text stuff has finished playing? 
> 
> This Is Me. I am trapped in that bright moment where I learned my doom: I 
> Must Read Text.  All of it.  Or so it sometimes seems.  

Some time ago in this forum, somebody brought up Sauce Bottle Fandom.
I haven't read the original zines where this was discussed, but I have
read many sauce-bottle labels.  In fact, I have a notion to create a
bathroom wallpaper pattern covered with labels taken from all kinds of
historic ketchup bottles, so you'd have something to read if you
neglected to bring a magazine with you into the bathroom.  But I
digress.

I've been wondering about something for a long time, and the brain
trust here seems to be a good source to consult.  On the A1 Sauce
bottle it says:

                         The Original Sauce
             Proclaimed A1 at International Expositions
                         London 1862 & 1880
                   Paris 1867, 1878, 1889, & 1900

This raises a lot of questions in my mind. 

Did A1 stop winning after 1900, or did people stop holding
International Steak-Sauce Expositions?

Was there a pioneer visionary with the dream of bringing all the great
steak sauces of the world together to compete?  Someone who struggled
for years to bring his vision to life, finally succeeding in 1862? 
Was he disappointed when the French stole his idea just five years
later, or did they enjoy a friendly rivalry?

What was a Victorian-era steak-sauce exposition like?  Elegantly
dressed men and women wandering among giant bottles (bottles covered in
copy-dense labels), inhaling the smell of sizzling steak and the
pungent scents of a thousand sauces?

If A1 sauce had not won big prizes, what would they have called it?

Or is it possible that it DIDN'T win any prizes, and the judges just
"proclaimed" it "A1" because they were reading its name off the entry
form?  That steak eaters for the past century or more have been fooled
into thinking that the runny brown A1 was somehow judged the best?

Do they really serve HP sauce in the Houses of Parliament?  Both
houses?

Why did Heinz screw around with their formula for Heinz 57 steak sauce
sometime in the 1980s, resulting in a sweeter but unpalatable product?

Did the original Sauce-Bottle Fandom already discuss all these
questions, leaving me pathetically unoriginal?  Is there a reference
book where I can look all this up-- say, *Jane's Fighting Steak
Sauces*?

-- 
     O~~*         /_) ' / /   /_/ '  ,   ,  ' ,_  _           \|/
   - ~ -~~~~~~~~~/_) / / /   / / / (_) (_) / / / _\~~~~~~~~~~~zap!
 /       \                        (_) (_)                    / | \
 |       |   Bill Higgins   Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory
 \       /   Internet:                          [OBSOLETE_ADDRESS]
   -   -     Bitnet:                            [OBSOLETE_ADDRESS]
     ~       SPAN/Hepnet/Physnet:               [OBSOLETE_ADDRESS]



To which Al von Ruff responded:

From: avonr...@prairienet.org (Al von Ruff)
Subject: Re: Sauce-Bottle Questions (was Re: Hugo results)
Date: 1996/09/11
Message-ID: <515fjp$c37@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu>#1/1
X-Deja-AN: 179856066
references: <50dpau$fkf@agate.berkeley.edu> <snews.960903.102028.chris.2609@keris.demon.co.uk> <50plh5$aic@panix2.panix.com> <snews.960908.203644.chris.3057@keris.demon.co.uk> <anglemark.j-0909961232380001@17.69.157.3> <5111s6$qcn@panix2.panix.com> <1996Sep9.184223@fnald.fnal.gov>
organization: Prairienet
newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.fandom


Bill Higgins (higg...@fnald.fnal.gov) wrote:

: Some time ago in this forum, somebody brought up Sauce Bottle Fandom.

Isn't this more appropriate for rec.arts.sb.fandom? 

: I've been wondering about something for a long time, and the brain
: trust here seems to be a good source to consult.  On the A1 Sauce
: bottle it says:
: 
:                          The Original Sauce
:              Proclaimed A1 at International Expositions
:                          London 1862 & 1880
:                    Paris 1867, 1878, 1889, & 1900
: 
: This raises a lot of questions in my mind. 
: 
: Did A1 stop winning after 1900, or did people stop holding
: International Steak-Sauce Expositions?

It's the second line of the label that intrigues me:
"Proclaimed A1 at International Expositions...". 

This begs the question: what did they call their steak sauce before the
expositions?  "The Original Sauce"?  What about those other years
when it wasn't proclaimed A1? Did they go by the name: "The B2 Sauce"? 
Surely, naming their sauce "A1" prior to the expo would be like naming 
your short story "Hugo and Nebula" (tm).

: Was there a pioneer visionary with the dream of bringing all the great
: steak sauces of the world together to compete?  Someone who struggled
: for years to bring his vision to life, finally succeeding in 1862? 
: Was he disappointed when the French stole his idea just five years
: later, or did they enjoy a friendly rivalry?

If memory serves me correctly, the visonary you speak of was none
other than Ahjuan Gernsback, an amateur sauce maker who made his
fortune importing Worchestershire Sauce. I believe that he died in
a duel concerning the proper pronunciation of "Worchestershire".

: What was a Victorian-era steak-sauce exposition like?  Elegantly
: dressed men and women wandering among giant bottles (bottles covered in
: copy-dense labels), inhaling the smell of sizzling steak and the
: pungent scents of a thousand sauces?

You've pretty much got it down right, except for the swishing of
sauce about the mouth, followed by the spitting into large buckets.

: Why did Heinz screw around with their formula for Heinz 57 steak sauce
: sometime in the 1980s, resulting in a sweeter but unpalatable product?

Clearly, they wanted to experience the same success seen by Coca Cola
with the introduction of their new formula in the 1980s.

: Did the original Sauce-Bottle Fandom already discuss all these
: questions, leaving me pathetically unoriginal?  Is there a reference
: book where I can look all this up-- say, *Jane's Fighting Steak
: Sauces*?

Try _The Encyclopedia of Steak and Fish Sauces_ (1903) edited by Admiral
Tartar, who introduced Ketchup to the Western World, after "discovering"
it in Malaysia. 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Al von Ruff                                           avonr...@prairienet.org
Internet Speculative Fiction Database:         http://cu-online.com/~avonruff




I thank Al von Ruff for his efforts to bring me to a more enlightened state. I think I'll go now and eat something I can put sauce on.
Tags: chutney, fandom, fanzine, pickles, sauce, sauce-bottle fandom, sf, spam, willis
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